Halifax Gentlemen's Poker Association

Common Poker Jargon (Part III)

2006-11-13T11:56:00.000-03:00

Third in a series of posts defining some poker jargon that regularly does, or should, show up at H.G.P.A. events. These are terms in addition to the basic glossary available on Neil's HGPA site. A related series of H.G.P.A.-coined jargon may follow. Previous entries: Part I, Part II

This entry will focus on "flop slang", or special terms used to refer to the initial flop in Hold 'Em (or Omaha).

If the flop is composed of cards with three different suits, the flop is referred to as "rainbow".

If the flop is composed of cards with two different suites, the flop is referred to as "two-toned".

If the flop is three low cards, the flop is referred to as "rags" or a "ragged flop". This can be combined with the suit designation. For instance, a flop of three low cards of three different suits might be referred to as "rainbow rags". (One possibly homophobic HGPA wit was heard to quip that this could also be referred to as a "pride flag". There's probably also a "motley" joke in there somewhere.)

If the flop is three face cards, this is referred to as "paint", or a "painted flop". A more fun term common for this is a "Picasso Flop". (Of course, this begs the question of what a "Dali Flop" would look like. I guess if King-King-Queen is an example of a Picasso Flop, then a Dali Flop would be something like Six-King-Sheep.) This can also be combined with suit designations, so you could have a "two-toned Picasso flop".

There doesn't seem to be any common term for the single-suited flop. Seems like a place for a new HGPA term.

And now, a couple of bonus non-flop terms:

immortal: Unbeatable; often said of a hand that a player knows cannot be beaten under the circumstances of play. Also "lock", "nuts".

Smiley's four tens were pretty much immortal unless Bob hit runner-runner kings. Even a river rat like Bob couldn't pull that off, though.

outrun: To beat another hand, usually by being dealt extra cards after the initial deal.

Drake was dominating pre-flop, but after that two-toned flop of rags, Chris suddenly had a draw to outrun him with a flush.

Saturday Tournament

2006-11-13T11:40:00.000-03:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, I present one of the people who made it into the money at Saturday's tournament:

I'm not sure what this says about everyone who didn't make it into the money...

Game Report 10/17/06

2006-10-20T16:56:00.000-03:00

Location: Dr. Smiley's Poker Emporium
Attendance: Chris, Neil, Smiley, Dirty, Miller

A sparse but hardy group decided to throw some cards at Smiley's swanky South End pad once again. Everyone who didn't come missed the chance to see Miller's awesome Dr. Doom gloves (affectionately dubbed "The Cheese Graters of Doom"), the spiffy new folding chairs made out of iron and padding and the insane display of bad karma for poor old Neil.

The low numbers meant many games were on the table, so a lot of stud was mixed into regular rounds of Hold 'Em and Omaha. Early round games saw Dirty and Smiley build some nice stacks. Eric and Neil played tight but just couldn't get any cards. Chris' stack swelled and shrunk like the tides, until a massive hand of Baseball early in the night saw him take a ginormous chip lead that he would lord over the table for the remainder of the games.

Further rounds of Omaha saw Neil take some catastrophic all-in losses thanks to several well timed river cards. Miller's play saw him build some stacks only to lose out on some decent calls that just didn't cut the mustard. Dirty's once proud stack was soon decimated, but he managed to turn his first buy-in into a comfortable stack in short order. Smiley's cryptic style of concealing his chips and cards with his hands made it hard to see how well he was doing, but he was smiling so who knows.

A few big hands of split-pot stud saw Dirty and Chris taking both ends of the pot, furthering their large stacks. Neil's despair deepened as he failed to get decent hands and the hands he did move in on were summarily destroyed on the river by better hands. Chris saw his once omipotent stack slowly dwindle to a mere gargantuan one, as Miller solidified his position heading into Crazy Games.

The usual suspects were played, including Smiley's Jesus Saves stud variation. Chris invented some kind a new Guts game called "Class Warfare" that allowed extra cards to be purchase based on a share of the pot. Neil desperately doubled-up a few times only to fall short on the third attempt, again thanks to the magic of the river card. Refusing to buy in for a sixth time, he watched the foursome hurl chips at one another in Pregnant Cows, Montezuma's Revenge, Tic Tac Toe and more. In what seems to be a recurring theme in HGPA weekly games, a large Gang War was the last hand of the night, and the game was called at 1 a.m. sharp.

Big Winner: Chris likely had far more at one point, but still managed to cash out at a very respectable +$60.

Big Loser: Neil, keeping with his desire to be Big Something every week, to the tune of -$50

Quadalicious: Several people hit quads in non-crazy games through the night. Coupled with Miller's Quadraphonia at the tourney last Saturday and it's been raining them all week.

Old Man River: Neil saw his better hand decimated not once, not twice, not three, four, five or six times, but SEVEN times courtesy of the river card. Suffice to say, this did not do wonders for his morale over the evening.

Bob & Baseball: Despite no Bob, Baseball was played. And not even during the Crazy Games! Must have been the baseball on the TV influencing us.

Chips Ahoy!: Smiley knocked over his own stack of chips several times and was also nice enough to smash Dirty's chips off the table at least 3-4 times over the course of the evening.

Throwing Down The Gauntlet: While not being forced into an Eric's Trip this week, at one point Miller donned his Dr. Doom gauntlets to "turn his luck around". Upon realizing he couldn't manipulate his cards with any realistic expertise, he quickly ditched them.

Quote of the Night: "Unnnnnnngh ... excellent. Well, here you go." - Neil, after seeing the only card in the deck that could beat him arrive on the river, having to deliver all of his chips to Smiley in what was a common occurance during the evening.

Tournament Report 14/10/06

2006-10-16T16:04:00.000-03:00

Eleven men entered, but only one left. Well, everyone left. Except me, as I lived there.

Anyways: The tourney was another rousing success, even without our reigning champ Chris there or the likes of Alex, Bob, Tiger, Ward, Cal or Jarrod cluttering things up.

Eleven entrants, split for a long while into two tables (5/6). Several rebuys, a lot of reloads and the pot swelled to a delicious $400.

Once again the tourney ran far too long (a full six hours, 9 p.m.-3 a.m.), prompting this observer to suggest a 20 min capped round time limit on these things.

Lots of good moments, but since it was more that 24 hours ago I don't recall any of them. Good times, though.

Order of Elimination

11 - Cracker

10 - Dan Melvin

9 - Drake

8 - Neil

7 - Hyland

6 - Sean Jordan

5 - Speedbag

4 - Smiley

3 - Merrick ($80)

2 - Dirty ($120)

Grand Champion - Claming his first tourney win was Miller, netting $200 for his efforts which will surely salve some of the recent losses he has incurred at the weekly game. It was hard to not imagine him winning, since he hit quads an amazing four times through the night.

Since I was far too dazed after 2.5 hours of dealing cards to snap a picture, here's an artist's rendition of Eric enjoying his spoils:

Fun times, gents.

Poker with world leaders?

2006-10-13T16:23:00.000-03:00

OK, here's a challenge for you HGPA blog readers: tell me what kind of players you think world leaders would be in a no-limit hold'em tournament, and what your strategy for dealing with them would be.

Here's some sample leaders, along with my answers, but feel free to use other leaders as well:

George W. Bush - U.S. President

Chris' read: Believes he is personally in touch with God, proudly not a member of the “reality-based” community.

Chris' strategy: Dude thinks he can do no wrong, and the Lord will provide. He’s going to be heavy on any draw, because he thinks he’ll get his magic card. Any time I have a decent made hand and put him on a draw, I will bet hard. He might hit now and then, but in the long term I will clean him out.

Kim Il-Jong - North Korean Supremeo

Chris' read: Haircut, jump suits, family history, poking the tiger. Nuts. He’s a big bluffer. Nuclear test my ass.

Chris' strategy: Treat him like Cal when he's drinking.

Ehud Olmert - Prime Minister of Israel

Chris' read: Justifiably insane; you’re not paranoid if they really are out to get you. He'll be tight agressive.

Chris' strategy: Mostly get out of his way, unless I’m on the nuts. Mix in occasional strong bluffs, to try to trigger his “tight” characteristic.

Hugo Chavez - President of Venezuela

Chris' read: Hugo knows the score, and it drives him nuts. He’s so pissed at Bush that he's started making moves that are less strategic than previously. Somewhat loose agressive.

Chris' strategy: The key here is to put him on tilt, so he starts making mistakes. Ideally I would do this by making him extremely upset with another player at the table, and then sit back and play off of both of their mistakes.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad - President of Iran

Chris' read:Panders to his base as much as Bush, but doesn’t actually believe the shit he says. Knows just how far back to strand when poking the tiger.

Chris' strategy: Watch out for traps, and wait until he makes his big play on a hand when I’m in the weeds with the nuts.

Muammar al-Gaddafi - "Guide of the First of September Great Revolution of the Socialist People's Libyan Arab Jamahiriya"

Chris' read: Dude in a dress or not, he knew when the time was right to get “terrorist supporter” off his resume. You don’t need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows.

Chris' strategy: I have to make him think I’m a threat, so he will respect my bets (especially my bluffs). Since he’ll fear me, I’m going to get out his way when he raises back (he must have the nuts), and dime him down with bluffing.

Vladimir Putin - President of Russia

Chris' read: Deeply screwed by economic hit men & the nomeklatura, but not at all insane. Pretty hard to make him flinch.

Chris' strategy: Just get him drunk. I.e. the MacFarlane strategy.

Game Report 10/10/06

2006-10-12T15:52:00.000-03:00

Location: Dr. Smiley's Poker Emporium
Attendance: Smiley, Dirty, Neil, Drake, Chris, Alex, Miller, Mal

Another week back at the snuggly table at Smiley's place. Early fears of low numbers were quickly allayed and we dove into cards headlong.

Hold 'Em and Omaha dominated much of the early play. Dirty and Smiley had the luck of the Irish and both enjoyed numerous pots early on. Chris was into his second buy-in pretty early on, and Alex and Miller soon joined him.

A lot of pre-flop raises meant a sizeable amount of money being shuffled about. Mal made a couple of large pots, only to lose them all almost right away. Drake made a couple of big moves but failed to capitalize, sending him to the sidelines for a while. Neil won a big hand every 10th hand or so to keep him around neutral for much of the early going.

As the night progressed and more and more buy-ins meant more and more chips out on the table, the stakes were raised considerably. Mal pulled out a massive hand with quad Aces, which he coasted on for the rest of the night. Neil put a serious dent into Smiley's stack after unknowningly hitting a backdoor flush to take out Smiley's straight. Chris hit a few magical hands to slowly turn his fortunes around after hitting his $40 limit for buy-ins not much earlier. Alex, also in the hole for $40 also began restoring his stack with some large bets and gutsy calls.

Drake bought back in but soon found himself once again sidelined, which opened the door for some split-pot Stud games. The usual head to head splits occurred, with nobody able to get the big both-ender that usually sends the chips all one way. Eric's woes continued, and Neil hit a few big hands in a row to build a sizeable collection of black chips.

Heading into Crazy Games, Garbage Day, Slaughterhouse, Mass Barbecue, Federation Day, Montezuma's Revenge, eBay and a new game smiley invented called Jesus Saves all made showings. Not surprisingly, a lot of chips moved around, as Smiley and Dirty saw their earlier fortunes wane into poverty while Chris, Alex and Neil enjoyed a boomtime. Mal rode his earlier winnings in comfort, and Eric staved off complete bankruptcy with a few clutch hands. After large gang war left Neil with a large majority of the chips on the table, the game was called.

Big Winner: Neil, with +$110 off a single $10 buy-in (including a roll of quarters. Nice!)

Big Loser: Eric seemed to be the most down, likely around -$40 or so (but he also got a roll of quarters to soften the blow)

Big Swinger: Smiley went from clear Big Stack early to 4th or 5th in a matter of 2-3 hands of Omaha. Yowza.

Comeback Kids: Chris turned a -$40 into a +$0.35 in fairly short order. Alex also turned a -$30 into a spiffy +$15 profit near the end of the night.

Opiate of the Masses: The 2006 Scream Awards on Spike TV captivated many people at the game, with a precocious blend of glitz, titz and faux horror and comic-book geekery.

Science Content: The optic nerve is the second of twelve paired cranial nerves but is considered to be part of the central nervous system as it is derived from an outpouching of the diencephalon during embryonic development. Consequently, the fibers are covered with myelin produced by oligodendrocytes rather than the Schwann cells of the peripheral nervous system. Also, if you happen to cut this thing with a pair of rusty scissors, a thick white liquid will spurt out of the now vacated eyeball. Thank you, Spike TV.

Startling Revelation: Frank Miller, the diminutive graphic novelist, artist and film director best known for his film noir-style comic book stories, is apparently "a nerd". Stop the presses.

Bob & His Balls: No Bob = no baseball held true again tonight. Huzzah!

Quote of the Night: "It's a lot like when you fuck a fat chick - it feels great for a few minutes, but afterwards you feel awful and you're all like 'what the fuck was I thinking?!' " - Neil, describing the mental effects of a hangover donair.

Honorable Mention: "Who the fuck watches this kind of shit anyways?" - Mal, commenting on the Scream Awards that he intently watched and scrutinized for a full two hours.

Game Report 03/10/06

2006-10-04T16:23:00.000-03:00

Location: Allan Street Poker Syndicate
Attendance: Neil, Chris, Drake, Miller, Alex, Carsten, Dirty, Smiley

I have almost no clear recollection of what happened last night thanks to my heroic intake of Jagermeister. I was so intoxicated that I am even having difficulty remembering what happened before I got smashed, which is never a good sign.

Anyways, the Coles Notes version:

Everyone came over and we started playing cards around 9:30 or so. Omaha and Hold 'Em, with some Guts in there as well. I dumped a significant amount of Jager onto myself and my chips, perhaps a desperate act of self-preservation vainly perpetrated my liver.

Smiley and Dirty appeared to have a lot of the chips, until Chris rocked Smiley with a clutch card on the river to nail quad 3s. Chris seemed to keep most of this money while myself, Eric and Carsten were soon sent back into our wallets.

At some point we busted Carsten out and played some stud and I lost a lot of money. Eric's Trip occured as Miller had to hit the ATM down the road. I got to the end stage of G.I. Joe on the MAME during one of the breaks. Alex cashed out around 12:30 a.m. and we started playing crazy games. Chris made up some game that confused everyone. I remember Gang War being played. A lot of money was in the middle and none of it came towards me.

We stopped playing at some point and everyone left. I woke up on my couch around dawn with a half-eaten pizza pocket on my chest, PBS blaring some special about the disapperance of wetlands and a disturbing gap in my recollection of what had occured over the previous few hours.

Big Winner: No idea, but Chris and Dirty seemed to have a lot of chips so I presume it's one of them.

Big Loser: Clearly me, with at least $60 and a large slice of my lifespan being lost.

Riverdance: Chris definitely should have done one when he rivered a magical 3 to hit quads over Smiley's full house for a game-shattering sized pot.

Science Content: Jägermeister is a strong (70-proof; 35%) liqueur flavored with herbs (similar to Danish stomach bitters such as Gammel Dansk, the Hungarian Unicum, or Czech liqueur Becherovka). The name Jägermeister comes from the German words Jäger and Meister meaning "master of the hunt" or "master hunter" in the sense of "expert" or "committed" hunter. Contrary to urban legends, Jägermeister contains neither deer blood nor opium. Also, this shit will get Neil fucking hammered out of his mind, esp. when swilled straight out of a glass.

Baseball Shocker: We actually played some even though Bob wasn't around to insist that we do.

Quote of the Night: Some joke I made about a guy sodomizing Chris delivered in the form of a golf analogy, but I can't for the life of me remember what the fuck I said. Everyone laughed for a bit, so I am guessing it was gangbusters, whatever it was.

Honorable Mention: "I have a right to hate whoever the fuck I want." - Drake reasserting his cheery demeanor after I had commented that he had a right to hate people he had previously lived with.

Game Report 26/09/06

2006-09-28T17:55:00.000-03:00

Location: Dr. Smiley's Poker Emporium
Attendance: Smiley, Neil, Miller, Drake, Dirty, Alex, Speedbag, Marchant, Brian (friend of Dirty)

A motley crue assembled in the confines of Smiley's apartment for some cards. The evening was marked by it's general tone of everyone doing pretty well at some point, as well as some really great hands being beaten by even better hands.

Early rounds of Hold 'Em didn't see a huge change in chips, although Eric did temporarily build a nice stack. Alex played a little more aggresively than usual and it paid dividends. Drake's normal defensive style belied the massive hangover that added to his usual cheery mood. A substantial intake of marijuana held Neil, Dirty, Speedbag and Smiley to try and piece together what was going on. Brian seemed bemused by our style of play and quickly squandered his original buy-in before adjourning to the nearby couch to begin a three hour nap.

Not surprisingly, the chips began to dance when Omaha came around. Drake memorably nailed quad Aces but only had $3.60 to triple up on. Alex built a decent sized stack while Eric and Neil both saw their stacks bleed out. Dirty hit a pair of nice hands to bankroll future endeavours, and Smiley shielded his chips so much with his hands that I have no idea how well he was doing. Speedbag held on as long as he could but was finally busted out for the night along the way.

With Eric and Neil both into their second buyins, some Guts and more Hold 'Em was played. Emboldened by the increased number of chips on the table, a few large hands were won by differing people, but without Bob and Chris around to bully the table, Alex decided to guard his stack. Despite some valiant efforts, it wasn't long before Drake was forced out and Neil and Eric were both sent back into their wallets, along with Smiley.

Some Seven Card stud once again realloted many of the chips to new owners, and the playing field was pretty level for most of the night. Around this time Marchant arrived and plunked himself into the mix with aplomb, perhaps knowing it was his last dance with the HGPA before heading to Calgary.

Heading into crazy games, Alex drove Speedbag and Drake home while some Federation Day, Pregnant Cows, eBay, Garbage Day and Montezuma's Revenge were played. The latter saw the pot steadily grow to upwards of $18, thanks in no small part to Dirty hitting trips twice in a row, dwarfing Eric's straight to the ace and Neil's straight to the king. Neil hit quad 10s in a game of Choose your Own Adventure, but couldn't get anyone to bite. Some Dirty Mexican Whore saw Marchant eat up two Queens and make a bizzare call despite being beaten on board. Dirty took down a huge Pregnant Cows pot with five aces, and Alex soon also matched the feat with a similar hand. Marchant exacted some revenge with some classic use of the Man with the Axe in Slaughterhouse, reducing Alex's surefire five aces to a mere two pair. Neil nailed a nice five 10s hand to draw close to even, while Eric struggled to keep afloat. After a fairly tame GangWar, the game was called around 1:30 with some tense card cutting to divvy up the change.

Big Winner: Alex, with +$45 on the night

Big Loser: Eric, with -$40 overall

Spare Some Change?: Neil brought $60 in fives and we still didn't have enough change.

Take Me Out To The Ballgame: No Bob apparently means No Baseball, as we didn't play any this week

Hey DJ: The strange confluence of MP3s and Rogers Blue Jay's Baseball blaring in the room didn't do anyone any favours when trying to concentrate

When You're Smiling: Smiley literally had a shit-eating grin on his face the entire night.

The Name Game: "The Bamboozler", given by Neil to Speedbag's new bamboo & coconut bong

Quote of the Night: "Don't let him finish, or else he'll become impervious to our attacks." - Drake, commenting on Eric's idiosyncratic aligning of his chips in the tray

Game Report 19/09/06

2006-09-20T16:22:00.000-03:00

Location: Allan Street Poker Syndicate
Attendance: Neil, Drake, Miller, Chris, Cracker, Alex, Speedbag, Marchant

A band of six began the night around 10 p.m. and immediately settled into quick rounds of Hold 'Em and Omaha. Cracker was all in around Hand #3, continuing the HGPA tradition of early fireworks. Neil took a big hand off Cracker before fading to the background till much later in the night. Miller hit some nice hands early and often, a theme that would dominate much of the evening.

Omaha had it's usual effect on games, as a lot of chips were passed around from one player to another. Alex employed his famed pre-flop scare tactics, and Drake played his hands cautiously. Chris made several big moves that had his stack shrinking and bulging like a pendulum. Cracker's fortunes last week were not evident this week as he was soon into a second and then third buy-in.

The numbers allowed several hands of Stud and variants to be played, with only a few large pots to speak of. One particularly disasterous hand saw Eric claim a massive pot after several people went all in, pushing Miller to Big Stack for the rest of the night. Drake's cautious play saw him with a large pile of red chips, but they slowly dwindled over the course of the evening.

Speedbag and Marchant showed up around 11 p.m., and rounds of Hold 'Em and Omaha were again afoot. Cracker busted out for a third time, and he was done for the night. Chris' once large stack fled him, and Neil was forced into a third buy-in. Alex played his few remaining chips cautiously, as Marchant failed to find the mark on a couple of hands. Speedbag's $10 buyin didn't last him too long, and soon he and Drake were both busted out. Marchant was cleaned out by Eric, who at this point was holding well over 2/3 of the total money on the table, and a break was called before Crazy Games.

Federation Day, some other Crazy Federation Day, Witchhunt, Garbage Day, Pregnant Cows, "Federomaha" (Federation Day + Omaha) and "Cattle Rancher" (Pregnant Cows + Omaha) were all played, with a lot of money being tossed around the table. Drake and Marchant's rebuy for Crazy Games did not last long, while Neil doubled up a couple of times to come out of the hole for the night. Eric wisely did not risk his daunting pile of black chips, and Alex just tried to stay afloat against many larger stacks. Neil took a nice $25 pot off Chris, hamstringing him for the rest of the night. After an absurd "K-Q-J-10-9 straight flush losing to not one but TWO Royal Flushes" event saw Neil and Eric take what was left of Chris' stack in Cattle Rancher, the game was called at a reasonable 12:55 a.m. with only three people left in the money.

Big Winner: Eric, with a respectable +$100 for the night.

Big Loser: Cracker, back to form with -$30.

Lucky Duck Award: Eric hit a cartoonish amount of his straight draws, resulting in many large pots heading his way.

And The Grammy Goes To ... : George Clinton, which Alex described as "the best poker music we've ever had".

Going Deep: Speedbag actually saw the button pass him a few times before busting out.

Baseball & Bob: Without Bob around, nobody had to endure a game of Baseball all night. Yay!

Omaha Oops Moment: Marchant calling a big pot thinking he had the A-high straight, only to realize after the chips hit the pot the old "have to use two cards" rule.

Insanely Bad Call of the Night: Neil spending $10 trying to bluff someone out of a Stud pot while two other people who were beating him on board were already all in.

Confidence Man: Eric made several decent sized calls without even looking at his cards - since he was too busy counting and meticulously organizing his many chips, it didn't seem to faze him.

Casting Call: With EBOC gone and Jerod MIA, a collective realization that we are in need of a shaggy, long-haired stoner, preferably resembling a hobbit or woodsman. Apply within.

New Catchphrase?: "Suck on that, bitches." - Uttered by Cracker after a rare win.

Quote of the Night: "The pot's working." - Everyone in unison, moments after Neil had again inexplicably misdealt several cards, and a reference to when he had said the same thing post-smoke-up on the front porch while trying to explain his irrational behaviour and forgetful nature.

Game Report 12/08/06

2006-09-13T17:14:00.000-03:00

Location: Allan Street Poker Syndicate
Attendance: Neil, Bob, Drake, Alex, Miller, Smiley, Dirty, Cracker, Chris, Marchant (is this how you spell his name?)

A larger than expected turnout once again descended on Allan Street to throw some cards. The volume of players reduced the volume of cards played, but all told fun times had by all.

An initial round of Texas Hold 'Em saw the HGPA waiting a full three hands before the premiere All In call and subsequent bust out, quite a change from the blistering pace set in recent weeks. As is his nature, Bob built a large chip stack early after busting a couple of people out, and infamously vowed to "fold the rest of the night". Dirty also amassed a large stack after a couple of big wins, while Eric and Alex struggled to find the cards. Marchant and Neil played cautious, barely seeing a turn for a long while. Smiley saw his stack fluctuate thanks to bad luck on the draws, and Drake played his usual cautious style, picking his spots and guarding his buy-in.

Cracker soon arrived with much needed tonic for Neil's gin, and alarmed many onlookers with actual thought-out play, resulting in several large takedowns. Chris arrived not long after and began a series of aggresive bets that saw his stack grow and shrink with each hand. Omaha had its typical stupefying effect on the stacks as people eagerly tossed in blinds to see the flops - a series of pre-flop raises soon took hold, shaking out people less confident in their hands. Bob's large stack shrank somewhat as reckless play was rewarded with good rivers. Drake took down a couple of large hands, as did Marchant. Eric was into his third rebuy when Neil took a large pot down thanks to a rivered Ace. Alex used some decent leverage to win a couple of pots unchallenged, as Smiley and Dirty saw their chips slowly drain away.

Cracker's unusually smart play paid dividends as he cashed out around midnight up some money. Another half-hour of Omaha and Texas Hold 'em saw Dirty and Smiley go belly up, while Eric began to turn his fortunes around. Bob's once proud stack dwindled and Drake built up a nice wall. Chris had the last of his stack taken out on an all in by Neil, leaving a band of six to tackle Crazy Games around 12:30 a.m.

Sneaky Peeky, Garbage Day, Pregnant Cows, Baseball, Federation Day, Slaughterhouse and Witchhunt all made showings with the expected insane results. Marchant almost won a game of Baseball with a pair of 5s, which was kind of insane. Alex managed to grab a nice pot off Neil heads-up by correctly accusing him of being a witch, a first for the game. Eric scored a pair of large pots to cash out up over $60, completing an impressive comeback. Bob soon busted out totally after The Man With The Axe slaughtered some cows, and after Neil drew three consecutive wild cards to hit five Aces over Drake's four Ks, Neil found himself holding a large percentage of the night's chips. With only three players left and two of them short-stacked, Alex and Marchant agreed to cash out and the night drew to a close.

Big Winner: Neil with an unexpected +$100 off a single $10 buy-in. (Trivia: Neil has been either Big Winner or Big Loser for a HGPA record five consecutive weeks now - what a glory hog.)

Big Loser: Not really sure there was one - several people lost $20, I think. Someone please clarify.

Comeback Kid: Eric heroically turned a -$30 into a +$61 thanks to some amazing pots and cardplay in the latter stages of the game

Doppleganger Alert: Cracker played his cards correctly the entire night and actually won some chips. Clearly the real Cracker is locked in a basement somewhere.

Bad Bluffs: Alex got caught on a pair of massive full-out have nothing bluffs, which proved costly in terms of chips.

Strange Fact: Not a single game of Guts was played all night. Hmm.

Bad Beat of the Night: Eric's full house getting schooled by Dirty's slightly better full house in a big score in Omaha.

River King: Neil's all-in bluff actually paying out after rivering an Ace to give him top two pair.

You're The One With The Gambling Problem, Sir!: Drake lost an extra $5 ($1.5 million dollars in Drake money) to Neil playing heads-up Blackjack at 4 a.m. That's on top of the $20 he borrowed from Neil in the first place.

Someone's Been Reading Poker Jargon: Chris using "all day" like a pro to descrive the current total posted bet. Subsequently used to describe almost everything that was happening. ("Drake is beating people at Street Fighter all day", "Neil's all day consumption of gin is pretty impressive", etc etc)

Quote of the Night: "Ngggh za raaan naaaar da flumman unnnnn, narma mmma nominon zzaaaaaa . . ." - A yawning Bob chiming in on something related to something, as not a single person had any idea what he was saying.

Honorable Mention: "I just want to warn you all, I have a really good hand here." - Dirty, warning us all he had a really good hand before taking Eric to the cleaners with a full house.

Other Honorable Mention: "This is the best possible Omaha hand ever, suckers." - Bob, curiously dubbing his 9-9-4-4 the best possible hand to have pre-flop in a game of Omaha. He then backed this claim up by totally cleaning two players out on the ensuing 9-9-9-6-6 full house.

Game Report 9/6/06

2006-09-06T15:59:00.000-03:00

Location: Allan Street Poker Syndicate
Attendance: Neil, Chris, Drake, Bob, Miller, Marsh (aka, Smiley)

I have to level with you all - I was seriously drunk/stoned last night and I am having great diffuculty recalling what the fuck actually happened. So you will have to just live with what I can remember.

A small but determined band of merry men joined card battle in the confines of Neil's living room (early tense switch, yes). While short on numbers, the limited presence allowed for many different games to be played early and often.

Early rounds of Hold 'Em and Omaha saw Chris lose a couple of buy-ins rather quickly as Bob built a fairly nice stack. Drake played his lone $10 investment protectively, and Smiley made a few early moves that didn't work out so well. Miller's fortunes were up and down, and Neil was forced into an early rebuy but levelled off nicely.

Chris continued a string of bad luck/bad calls as Bob's stack continued to grow handsomely. Stud games saw Smiley turn his first rebuy into a fairly nice chuck of change off a couple of big hands, and Miller started to steady himself after a series of rebuys. Drake took Chris and Neil to school with a massive Omaha hand to the tune of $40 or so, which turned Drake into big stack all of a sudden. Bob's luck started to run out (likely linked to his heroic intake of beer) and soon he was running short. Neil was scrambling to recover his losses and began to bleed chips onto the table, while Chris saw his fifth buy-in sucked out of his grasp.

Heading into Crazy Games, Chris was talked back into the game for $20, a move that would later pay dividends. Federation Day, Choose Your Own Adventure, The Four Whores, Garbage Day, Rain Main, Pregnant Cows, Slaughterhouse, The Curse of Ricardo Monteban and a new game called Witch Hunt all made showings. Omaha variation s of several Crazy Games made them even crazier than before, which was thrilling and insane all at the same time.

Drake sucked sizable hands out of both Bob and Miller, eventually resulting in Bob totally busting out. Neil was cleaned out for the third time and was forced into a rebuy for the crazy games. Smiley was cautious with his stack, as he was unfamiliar with some of the games and seemed content to hang onto most of his chips. Chris shrewdly parlayed his latest $20 investment into $40, reducing the sting of an otherwise poor night. Drake hauled in a few more hands till Neil was again cleaned out for the fourth time. With the night drawing to a close around 2:30 a.m., a few card cuts and some discussion over the pot being $5 light (I wasn't in charge of the money or chips, for the record), the games drew to a close.

Big Winner: Drake, with +$55 off a single $10 buyin.

Big Loser: Neil with -$40 (I'm always Big Something, it seems)

Gutsy Move of the Night: Chris laying down another $20 after already being $50 in the hole, and recouping enough to only end up -$30 for the night

Big Hand: Drake's Jacks Over full house cleaning this shit out of Chris and Neil in a $40+ hand of Omaha.

Worst Idea of the Night: Drake convincing Neil to order massively large donairs at 3:20 a.m., which literally made them both lose their fucking minds and shaved several years off their respective lifespands

Science Content: A well-known side effect of alcohol is lowering inhibitions. Areas of the brain responsible for planning and motor learning are dulled. A related effect, caused by even low levels of alcohol, is the tendency for people to become more animated in speech and movement. This is due to increased metabolism in areas of the brain associated with movement, such as the nigrostriatal pathway. This causes reward systems in the brain to become more active, and combined with reduced understanding of the consequences of their behavior, can induce people to behave in an uncharacteristically loud and cheerful manner. Also, if you are Bob, getting hammered leads to you making insane calls and losing all your money.

Quote of the Night: "That's why I'm all about boning chick's minds ... subliminally!" - uttered by Bob during some Dry Ice induced rant about mentally controlling women or something, I was too drunk to recall properly.

Common Poker Jargon (Part II)

2006-09-05T16:58:00.000-03:00

Second of series of posts defining some poker jargon that regularly does, or should, show up at H.G.P.A. events. These are terms in addition to the basic glossary available on Neil's HGPA site. A related series of H.G.P.A.-coined jargon may follow.

throwing a party: A player who is playing like a fool and gambling all of their money away is said to be throwing a party.

I'm going to miss Eboc--that guy always threw a party later in the night.

Not like Cal.

Oh, yeah. His party goes to eleven.

stuck: Having lost money. I'm stuck $300 right now.

Bob ended the night up $50, and Drake broke even. I think Neil was stuck his rent.

speeding: To play very loose with no identifiable pattern, or to bluff frequently. Also known as speeding around.

Man, Neil was really speeding last night.

I know! I hate it when I can't tell if he's being crazy, or if he actually has the hand.

river rat: A player whose hand was dominated from the start, but improves his hand on the river to win the pot.

I had that straight from the flop, but then Bob went all river rat on me with a runner-runner flush draw.

post oak bluff: To bluff by making a small bet, when you want the other players to think that your small bet is a "here kitty kitty" bet from a strong hand. You want the other players to think you are trying to trap them, so they will fold.

Every now and then I change up my position play with a post oak bluff. Once the table is trained for position play, it can be especially effective.

Game Report 8/29/06

2006-08-30T16:37:00.000-04:00

Location: The Upper Bowl of the MillerDome
Attendance: Neil, Bob, Alex, Miller, Tiger, EBOC, Speedbag, "Dirty" (friend of Miller), "Marchant" (another friend of Miller), "Steve" (yet another friend of Miller) and Some Guy Whose Name I Forget Who Was Always Smiling So I Will Call Him "Smiley" (who knew Miller had all these friends?!)

I personally didn't arrive until 9:20 p.m. to find a large group of people already fully entrenched in gambling, so forgive me for not recapping what was happening up until this point.

What I can tell you is that Bob had a huge amount of chips before him in a little something we all know and love called the Bob Wall. The one known as Dirty was wearing sunglasses which made me immediately suspicious of his sanity, but he also had a large amount of money in front of him so I guess they were working. The rest of the chips were kind of evenly spread around the table I think, with the exception of Speedbag who earned kudos for bringing my Bag of Holding for me but had yet suffered the same fate as last week by busting entirely out very early in the night.

With so many people, games were limited to Omaha, Hold 'Em & Guts (with no interest in Pineapple, it seems). Rounds took a long time because of all the talking and bet prodding, but slowly the game took shape.

Bob was dominating early and often, using his large stack to push people out of hands left & right, with people foolish enough to remain in to discover he actually had the cards in the end. Alex was sucking at the other end of the poker teet, as his luck could not have been worse had his butted in front of a leprechaun at the movies on Friday the 13th, as he was forced to fold almost everything that came before him.

EBOC played his usual "sure, why the fuck not" style, winning one hand but summarily losing several in a row, eventually busting out totally rather early in the night. Eric's luck was little better, as he was forced to rebuy several times, eventually culminating in another trip to a local ATM that henceforth shall be called "Eric's Trip" after the now defunct Haligonian alt-rock band of the same name.

Tiger played with typical caution and verve, and he and Bob were usually two of the last people battling over chips in the pots, with success both ways. Neil (yes, I am switching tenses) played cautiously as he was dealt mostly garbage cards for a long time and had no idea how the Miller Four played.

Dirty was a decent if not deliberate player who usually made the right calls based on pot odds and the like. Marchant seemed almost random with his play, he was very hard to get a read on but busted out midway through the night and was removed from the equation. Steve was somewhat haphazard which made him difficult to predict but he did make a couple of nice moves on hands after busting out a few times early. Smiley was by far the most entertaining as he was clearly a poker novice and was a good sport about everything. This factor grew exponentially after we shared some pot, to the surprise of no one.

After several large wins for Bob during Omaha and Hold 'Em, Dirty's stack shrunk and Bob's grew. Alex was deep in the red at this point, but Miller finally carved out a beachhead of chips. Tiger had some decent stacks of dollar chips, and seemed content to not risk them unecessarily. Steve's stack whittled away slowly, but Smiley seemed to occasionally win a hand, keeping his ability to call blinds intact.

A turning point of the night happened as Neil went all in three times in a row in Omaha and managed to quadruple, triple and double up respectively, turning his $4 stack into an impressive $100 or so in a matter of three hands. This also in turn cleaned out Bob in a sudden shocking move, as Neil's three 10s somehow survived numerous full house and flush draws in a nail-biting game of Omaha.

Alex's bad luck soon saw him bust out well down on the night, and the Crazy Games were officially afoot. Due to the influx of new members, the pace was slow as we had to explain the rules of each crazy game, but both Garbage Day, Pregnant Cows, Slaughterhouse and eBay were met with interest. Baseball, despite Bob's constant shilling, was not met with the best of receptions. Smiley then invented an unholy hybrid of Pregnant Cows and eBay which allowed Neil to relieve both Miller and Dirty of the last of their chips, and with a huge portion of the chips in front of Neil and the hour drawing near, the evening was called.

Big Winner: Neil, with a delicious +$130 off a single buy-in

Big Loser: Alex, who saw $50 do little for him over the night

Hot Streak: Neil's aforementioned insane 4x/3x/2x combo

Big Hand: Neil's three 10s somehow holding off two full house draws and two flush draws to the tune of about $70 in the pot

Another Huge Hand: Neil's five Aces schooling Dirty's five 5s and Eric's five 10s in a game of Pregnant eBay for a delightful $40 pot (made all the more amusing by the fact that Miller was all in from the get go and actually drew to five 10s without the aid of auction cards or betting & that Neil was forced to pay approx. $45 of his own stack to buy wildcards just so Dirty would not have them)

Strange Allegory of the Night: Bob's giant can of Old Milwaukee being compared to a dinosaur and his huge stack of chips in front of him compared to an electric fence keeping the can from killing us all.

Ironic Twist: Bob's revelation that two cans of this dinosaur-sized beer were "not getting the job done".

Science Content: Blushing is caused by confused state of mind acts upon the sympathetic nervous system. From there, the vasodilators are stimulated which causes the peripheral capillaries to expand. As a result, more blood flows to the surface of the face and neck, resulting in the reddening of the face and neck. Also, if you are Tiger, you apparently blush when you have good cards, according to Bob.

Good Idea of the Night: Bob suggesting that in games of Guts where nobody goes in, instead of just everyone tossing in another ante, the person with the highest hand has to pay the pot (aka, The Coward Penalty). *Subject to further HGPA ratification.

Quote of the Night: "Ooooh - snap! In yo' face, niggaz!" - The seemingly preppy Steve after busting caps into the asses of Dirty and Tiger in a three-way Gang War.

Other Quote of the Night: "Yeah, well, this is just how I operate, you see. - EBOC just before a patented EBOC Call of Justice with questionable cards that may or may not end up winning

Honorable Mention: "Man, I can't believe I am resorting to Harry Potter jokes." - Neil, after realizing he had just made a reference to Hogwart's as part of his never-ebbing nonsensical stream of pop-culture idiom.

News From The Poker World

2006-08-30T16:31:00.000-04:00

I'm not one to give advice unsolicited, but sometimes I just have to:

If you are spear-heading the largest illegal Internet gambling operation in San Antonio, maybe you should try and avoid the spotlight.

This would include not making it to the final table of the nationally televised World Series of Poker, finishing in sixth place and winning over $3,000,000 in prize money, if you can help it.

Police Search House Of WSOP Finalist

Now that's just dumb.

Game Report 8/22/06

2006-08-23T17:23:00.000-04:00

Location: Allan Street Poker Syndicate
Attendance: Neil, Drake, Bob, Alex, Chris, Miller, Carsten, Cracker, Speedbag

A larger than expected turnout once again forced the use of one of Neil's endtables as a chair, if only for a brief time.

The action was fast and furious, even by HGPA standards, as there were four all-ins and 4 bust outs in the first five hands of the night, courtesy of some wild Omaha play. A bamboozled Speedbag, fresh of a hiatus from the weekly games, was busted directly off the table before the button even got back to him after calling the first game of the night.

Games of Hold 'Em and Omaha rotated as Alex, Chris and Neil built up some respectable stacks. Eric couldn't seem to find the luck, and Drake played his usual protective style. Bob hit a few big hands early but soon found his chips leaking. Cracker dazzled the table with his provocative all-in calls while holding almost nothing, and Carsten's stay was indeed a short one as he busted out about an hour into the night after burning through a pair of buy-ins.

With the numbers at seven, some surprisingly spirited games of High/Low Chicago resulted in a lot of chips moving around, including Drake managing to hit both ends on a nice Kings-over full house with the king of spades underneath. Despite his bleary eyes and immense fatigue, Chris bent Neil over nicely to split a large $90 pot, as his 2 of spades eked out over Neil's 3 of the same suit, with Alex's three aces surprisingly holding strong. Bob managed to turn his stack around a little, and Eric continued to struggle to find the cards he needed.

As Crazy Games approached, Cracker busted out for a third time, relegating himself to the sidelines for a while. Bob made a lunatic call in Baseball, drawing one of the five cards he needed to make his full house with his last card, effectively sapping Chris of the remainder of his spirit if not his chips. Neil managed to clean Bob out on a large $25 hand, sending Bob into a spiral of debt. Alex cautiously guarded his monstrous stack of black chips, as Drake played defensively with his as well. Chris cashed out up a fair amount as the Crazy Games began.

Cracker, Eric & Drake all saw themselves forced back into their wallets for Crazy Games, as Neil and Alex continued to build stacks. A lot of Garbage Day was played, with full houses falling to larger full houses or inevitable four of a kinds. Montezuma's Revenge saw Neil's straight flush soundly beaten by Bob's trip 10s, promptly followed by his three 3s losing to Eric's three 7s. Rain Man, Federation Day and the ubiquitous wholesale all-ins that only Pregnant Cows & The Four Whores can bring were also played. New games called Fingers and The Curse of Ricardo Monteban debuted, with interesting results. Two very close and dramatic Gang Wars saw a lot of chips move from one stack to the other, and soon Drake and Cracker were both totally out while Bob made a resurgence all the way back from -$40. A few hands later, Eric was also down for the count and the game was called due to the late hour, a full 2 1/2 hours into Crazy Games.

Big Winners: Alex & Neil, both around +$50

Big Losers: Cracker & Eric, both around -$40

Big Draw: Bob drawing the last wild card with his last card to pull a full house out of the air in Baseball.

Close But No Cigar: Neil's sending $28 to Alex and Chris after the latter's 2 of spades destroyed Neil's 3 of spades in a lucrative game of Low Chicago.

No House Like Full House: Alex folding four full houses in a row, pre-flop.

We're All Fucking Crazy Award: For all of us and our near constant all-in calls at the start of the night.

Drama Central: Bob almost pulling off a monstrous Gang War win versus Neil despite having three undercards.

Thanks a Lot, Loser: Eric getting shafted twice in a row during Garbage Day because of unexpected folds.

Quote of the Night: "For the record, I love titties. So shut the fuck up." - Cracker defending his masculinity and thus setting the tone of the evening.

Common Poker Jargon (Part I)

2006-08-23T12:38:00.000-04:00

First of series of posts defining some poker jargon that regularly does, or should, show up at H.G.P.A. events. These are terms in addition to the basic glossary available on Neil's HGPA site. A related series of H.G.P.A.-coined jargon may follow.

all day: The total current posted bet. Used to indicate that the speaker is referring to the total bet, versus the difference the acting player would need to post. Equivalent to "the total amount is".

Action is on Neil; two bucks all day.

back into: To win a pot with a hand that would have folded to any bet. For example, two players enter a pot of draw poker, both drawing to flushes. Both miss, and check after the draw. The player with the ace-high draw "backs into" winning the pot against the player with only a king-high draw. Also to make a backdoor draw, for example, a player who starts a hand with three of a kind, but makes a runner-runner flush, can be said to back into the flush.

I can't believe I backed into the pot with that pair of queens last night.

berry patch: A game with many unskilled or "live" players; a lucrative opportunity for profit.

One of the starting tables at that last tournament was a real berry patch.

dry pot: A side pot with no money. Created when a player goes all in and is called by more than one opponent, but not raised. Bluffing into a dry pot is a play that cannot possibly earn a profit, so doing so is considered foolish. It may also be unethical, because it serves to protect the all-in player at the expense of the bettor and the other players, and so is a form of collusion.

Considering the number of all-ins we get, it's funny that I don't think I've ever seen a dry pot in weekly play.

idiot end: The bottom end of a straight.

I was on the idiot end, but my read on the table was that no one else had straightened. My read was wrong.

Game Report 8/15/06

2006-08-16T16:49:00.000-04:00

Location: Larch Street Den of Ill Repute (same as last week)
Attendance: Neil, Drake, Bob, EBOC, Alex, Chris, Miller (also same as last week ... spooky)

A repeat of last week's showing once again descended on Alex's pretty little world and settled in for a nice night of gambling.

The game opened with rounds of Omaha dealing the usual damage to the usual suspects. Chris built a nice stack early, while Bob & Eric were both bled out quick. Drake played his usual protective style, and Neil's vain attempt to not play wild was a total failure. EBOC played loose but not as loose as usual because of a limited bankroll, and Alex picked his spots as best he could.

A few games of High/Low/Bloody Chicago saw some pretty wild betting, with several large stacks of chips exchanging hands on numerous occasions. One especially cruel hand saw Drake's king of spades losing to Bob's Ace of spades - one of the three times in a row Bob received the ace of spades in High Chicago.

Eric managed to pull off a nice bluff as he convinced everyone he had the nuts only to reveal he had bupkus, securing a huge pile of chips for himself after some early woes. Chris was up to 50-60 bucks at one point, but hit a dry spell and saw his stacks wither. EBOC soon found his luck run out as he ran out of chips and money and fled the table in search of poutine.

After pulling himself back near even with a big full house pull in Omaha, Neil promptly lost almost all his chips to Alex's nut straight on the very next hand. Bob then hit a tremendous string of wins and built an impressive wall of chips which he would ride the rest of the evening. Rounds of Texas Hold 'Em and Pineapple didn't result in too many changes leading into Crazy Games.

Pregnant Cows, Federation Day, Baseball, Garbage Day, Sweaty Mexican Whore, Montezuma's Revenge, Let's Have a Barbeque, The Four Whores and a new game called Rain Man that totally confused the hell out of everyone except Chris all made showings during the Crazy Game period. Chris' chip stack continued to dwindle after a particularly massive hand he lost against Bob, and Drake's comeback screeched to a halt after his straight flush hit Eric's five queens in Pregnant Cows. Neil's insane attempt to draw to a flush on Bob with three cards left in baseball was a costly $4 lesson. Alex took down a couple of small hands with some particularly aggresive betting, while Eric nutured what was still decent sized stack. With Neil and Drake now out, the Crazy Games drew to a close.

Big Winner: Bob, with somewhere in the area of +$50

Big Loser: Neil, for the third week in a row, with -$50

Big Hand of the Night: Chris drawing three queens with his last three cards in Sweaty Mexican Whore, answering the question as to where the hell all the queens were the whole time and thus giving Chris a hand of six threes.

Best Win in Absentia: Alex going all-in in High Chicago with his small stack and after seeing what everyone else had face up, leaving the room to find more money to rebuy with, only to come back and discover his K-Q-J unsuited actually won him half the sidepot for a small profit on the hand.

Quote of the Night: "I wish I had a plane to fly into those fucking twin towers in front of Bob over there." - Drake, referring to Bob's skyline of chips complete with a replica WTC site made out of dollar chips.

Honorable Mention: "If I don't win this hand, I'm going to fucking punch someone." - Neil, commenting on what he presumed was a surefire win after numerous disasterous losses. No punches were thrown.

* Best Conversation During The Break Award *

Chris: Hrm, interesting. *perusing Alex's bookcase of comics and graphic novels*

Alex: You see something you'd like to borrow, dude?

Chris: Oh, no, I was just seeing if there was anything there you could trade for chips if you bust out again.

Player Profile: Josh "Tiger" Forbes

2006-08-14T15:26:00.000-04:00

Name: Josh Forbes

Nickname: Tiger

D.O.B: 11/28/1971

Real World Occupation: I make rubbers.

Poker Highlights: Winning the H.G.P.A. Poker Tourney a few months ago. Also, my first night playing, watching Eric and Neil go all in fighting each other while I snuck in and won the big pot with four of a kind at Omaha. (EdNote: Yeah, good times indeed. Sigh.)

Style of Play: Tighter than Mental’s mom before she pushed him out.

Best Poker Attribute: I show up with money.

Worst Poker Attribute: Eating too many chocolate squirrels.

Favourite Game: Hold’Em. It’s the only one that I’m sure I know the rules to.

Least Favorite Game: Ebay

Hand You Always Play: Usually the left one until the callouses start chaffing. In poker, pocket ducks (2-2).

Little Known Fact: I used to be the Cuban Assassin from “Atlantic Grand Prix Wrestling”. I also watch Big Brother. Seasons 2 - 7.

Tournament Report 8/12/06

2006-08-14T14:42:00.000-04:00

Location: Allan Street Poker Syndicate
Participants: Neil, Chris, Drake, Ward, Bob, Miller, Cal, Mal, Cracker, Hyland, Dunwoody, Kevin (pal of Chris)

A strong turnout that necessitated the use of two tables, this was a tourney for the record books in more ways than one.

I honestly have no way to know exactly what went during some of the early phase play, so please forgive any omissions or oversights.

Highlights:

* Cal only "bought in twice" despite a near constant exchange of twenty dollar bills for new stacks of chips.

* Kevin, the "patsy" Chris brought along actually seemed to know how to play poker, despite early reports to the contrary.

* Cracker busted out twice within the first round, and after refusing to buy in again, was officially the first person out.

* Mal literally didn't play a single hand except for his big blinds for the first round and a half of play.

* Neil missed a chance to triple up when he nailed his straight on the turn, only to see the board hit a full straight on the river, thus splitting the pot back. Argh.

* Hyland spoke about five words all night.

* The tables combined when we got down to eight people. It was thought at this point that there'd be about another hour or so of poker. We were way off.

* Neil actually spent far more time dealing poker (3.5 hours) than he did playing poker (1.5 hours).

* Mal actually hit quad-aces in the later rounds but couldn't get anyone to bite.

Order of Elimination

12 - Cracker, playing true to form.

11 - Neil, see above.

10 - Miller, who brought chairs to save the day.

9 - Cal, who occasionally actually had cards.

8 - Bob, clearly lacking in Donair Power.

7 - Ward, who just wanted to go to the party anyways.

6 - Drake, who apparently had "the balls" but not "the cards".

5 - Kevin, who shall herefore be referred to as "Patsy".

4 - Hyland, who ended up in the worst possible spot given the investment of time.

3 - Dunwoody, who also earned $20 for taking out Drake.
Total Take: $114 + $20.

2 - Mal, whose early silent play payed literal dividends.
Total Take: $171

GRAND CHAMPION
Chris, with his first tourney win, long overdue.
Total Take: $285
(new record)

Total Pot: A staggering $590 (another new record)
Time Played: A mind-boggling 5h58mins (yet another new record)
Quote of the Night: "Man, I really wish I knew what cards you had right now." - Chris, while debating whether or not he should call Cal in large hand in the early stages.

Great times had by all in this marathon of a tourney. Please fill the comments with things I have missed/forgotten/don't care about so all will know of the greatness that was this debauchle.

Game Report 8/08/06

2006-08-09T16:22:00.000-04:00

Location: Larch Street Den of Ill Repute
Attendance: Neil, Drake, Bob, EBOC, Alex, Chris, Miller

A fine inaugural game held at Alex's new apartment. The extra Pledge on the table made for some interesting dealing and chip flinging, as the gambling gods once again had their way with the H.G.P.A.

Initial rounds of Hold 'Em were mostly uneventful, with some medium pots being shared around the table. Neil's slow play paid little dividends, and Bob was forced to fold many of his hands pre-flop. Alex played his usual cautious style, juxtaposed by EBOC's wild flinging of chips into the pot. Chris and Eric both quietly built some stacks as the game turned to Omaha.

As is usually the case in Omaha, a lot of people lost a lot of money in a hurry. Bob went all in and lost two hands in a row, allowing him an excuse to leave early to tend to some peon of his that locked themselves out of the store. Neil was forced to rebuy a few times after several disasterous attempts to draw a full house, and Eric's stack reaped the benefits.

EBOC and Chris exchanged a few massive pots, including a massive $25 swing on a hand that EBOC was convinced he had lost whereas he had in fact won. Drake busted out but was goaded into a rebuy, a move that would prove fateful later in the night. Alex also saw his luck turn sour, as he was forced into a pair of rebuys while EBOC, Chris and Eric's wealth grew.

Heading into Crazy Games, Alex saw his luck turn around as he began to take down a few hands. Eric, who had hit a string of bad luck in Pineapple, saw it continue in hands of Montezuma's Revenge and Garbage Day, as his once proud stack dwindled. Chris took down a few large pots and Neil was forced into yet another buy-in, but was instantly gutted by another EBOC all-in move where he was convinced he had lost but in reality was packing five jacks.

Karma finally delivered some justice as Chris raked EBOC's large stack over the coals to the tune of $28 bucks, and after Eric and Drake were simultaneously busted out after a nasty hand of Pregnant Cows. A few card cuts dealt with the change, and the night ended rather early, around 12:30 a.m. or so.

Big Winner: Chris, with +$45 or so

Big Loser: Neil, with a not-so-bad $-35

Big Swing: Chris catching EBOC's all-in with a massive hand, resulting in a nice $28 chip haul out of EBOC's big stack.

Precipitous Drop: Eric going from being the clear Big Stack to busted out totally in a span of about ten hands.

So Close, Yet So Far Away: Drake nearly drawing enough wild cards to change his ace high straight to five aces to match the five aces EBOC was holding in a game of Pregnant Cows.

Bad Beat Uno: Drake's straight flush tearing a hole in Alex & Neil's decent straights in a hand of Montezuma's Revenge.

Bad Beat Dos: EBOC's four fives briefly losing to Neil's four tens, until it was realized that EBOC actually had four jacks, sending EBOC into another fit of rage over mistakenly winning a huge hand.

Quote of the Night: "Sweet merciful tap-dancin' Jesus on a graham cracker!" - EBOC, expressing his exasperation over mistakenly thinking he had lost only to realize he had pulled down a massive pot with the winning hand

Honorable Mention: "Hrm ... my initial reaction is that of unpleasantness, or something being terribly wrong." - Neil's reaction to a large mouthful of some powerful Hungarian Brandy Chris had graciously supplied for him and EBOC.

Player Profile: Eric Miller

2006-08-09T13:57:00.000-04:00

Name: Eric Miller

Nickname: E

Date of Birth: 10/16/82
(EdNote: Eric is a fucking child!)

Real World Occupation: Art Director

Poker Highlights: $150 win at The Cracker Factory

Style of Play: Helter-Skelter

Best Poker Attribute: My ablility to make up a retarded amount of crazy games.

Worst Poker Attribute: Not paying attention to what is on the table and staying in when I know I should fold.

Favourite Game: Omaha. Since I'm usually too stuborn to know when to fold, Omaha gives me the best chance to hit someting on the turn or river.

Least Favourite Game: Pineapple/Crazy Pineapple. Both leave a bad taste in my mouth.

Hand You Always Play: Usually any hand that is dealt to me.

Little Known Fact: Got kicked out of SMU. Twice.

News From The Poker World

2006-08-08T14:49:00.000-04:00

Anytime I see a headline about an "ex-Hollywood agent" named Gold wreaking havoc at a gambling table, I think of two things: Ari Gold losing his mind at a blackjack table in "Entourage", and now about this guy and his words of advice about the value of pairs of 10s:

Ex-Hollywood Agent Still Leads at WSOP

Interesting to note that out of the 27 players left in the World Series of Poker, none of them are professional players. Maybe there's some hope for us all.

Game Report 8/01/06

2006-08-02T14:31:00.000-04:00

Location: The Cracker Factory
Attendance: Neil, Drake, Bob, EBOC, Alex, Chris, Cracker, Carsten, Tiger, Miller, Kathy

A packed house for the triumphant return of poker to The Cracker Factory. The large group limited the early games to rounds of Hold' Em & Omaha, rounds which took a long-ass time to play.

The HGPA trademark style of play was in full effect, with three all-in moves within the first six hands dealt. Surprisingly, many of the all-ins actually paid out, so nobody was in great peril for the first little while.

Cautious play dominated the crowded table, until drinks and smokes began to wreak havoc with the best laid plans of mice and men. Chris was actually the first to have to rebuy after an early all-in move failed, but his luck would improve over the night. EBOC and Cracker both busted out, but were up to the task of rebuying. Bob built a large stack early while Drake quietly collected a few pots to put himself up. Miller and Neil both were forced into rebuys, the former turning his fortunes around with aggressive play and some massive pots.

Carsten's brief stint at the table saw him drag down a couple of pots, but no major swing either way before he called it a night. Kathy went deep on one large Omaha hand and won, but saw her luck run out a few hands later when she was busted out. Alex played tight and quiet, but took down a pot or two with some good scare tactics. Tiger's steady play served him well until a few bad beats down the road as we headed into Crazy Games. Bob's early large stack mostly evaporated as he took a few chances and fell short. Miller slapped Cracker with an especially vicious win in Omaha, as his Ace kicker on triple 2s squeaked past Cracker's King. Cracker busted out again, but after a short comic book respite found his way back into the chips for some Crazy Games.

At the break into Crazy Games, Miller cashed out an impressive $60 and change, whereas the rest of the chips were fairly evenly spread across the table. EBOC and Kathy were both out as well, thanks to lack of funds, and so Stud Game variations made their debut for the evening. Garbage Day, Montezuma's Revenge and Slaughterhouse were fairly uneventful, with the exception of Tiger and Cracker both losing the last of their chips. Neil managed to double up on Chris in Baseball to the tune of +$16 or so. Clearly baffled by his luck, Neil promptly failed to buy the winning hand in eBay, and after some Choose Your Own Adventure and Intestinal Fortitude, the night drew to a close in surprisingly undramatic fashion with most people left at the table either near even or slightly up.

Big Winner: Miller, with +$65 or so

Big Loser: Cracker, seeping at least $-30

Sweet Score: Neil calling Chris's all in during a game of Baseball and hitting the wildcards and Queens he needed to vanquish Chris' Aces, earning $16 of Chris' chips.

Bad Beat That Made Us All Laugh: Cracker watching his 2-2-2-K-8 get smoked by Miller's 2-2-2-A-4 in a big hand of Omaha.

Stay Off The Grass Award: Neil's dope-induced haze precluding him from purchasing the winning flush in eBay because he "wanted Bob to think he had a full house" despite the fact there was no betting left to be done and Bob was clearly going for a straight.

Quote of the Night: "Well, Drake's mom is working tonight - give her a call." - Tiger to Bob, as part of the "your mama" theme that dominated the evening.

Honorable Mention: "AAAIYYEEEEEEE!" - Ear-splitting shriek from Chris as Bob spilled a small amount of his Old Milwaukee onto the table

News From The Poker World

2006-08-02T14:24:00.000-04:00

A lesson to be learned here for all poker players: Even if you are 10 time World Poker Champion Phil Hellmuth, you should show up on time for your games. Also, if you DO hit a Royal Flush, letting loose a "loud and jubilant expletive" is not the way to go, even if you are some scrub from MTV.

Hellmuth Bounced Early From WSOP

Also, as I discovered watching a televised poker match over the weekend, I've come to a stunning conclusion: Jennifer Tilly has enormous breasts. And she's not bad at poker, either.

Jennifer Tilly, WSOP Ladies Champion 2005

Game Report 7/25/06

2006-07-26T14:20:00.000-04:00

Location: The Allan Street Poker Syndicate
Attendance: Neil, Drake, Bob, EBOC, Alex, Chris, Cracker, Carsten, Andrew (friend of Bob)

A nice crowd after a couple of weeks of smaller games. Early games limited to round matches because of the numbers. Omaha had the predictable dizzying effects, as EBOC shed chips quickly and Andrew's rapid stack growth spawned whispers of "ringer". Drake and Bob played tight and didn't see much action early on. Neil played fairly cautious again, but got seriously nipped in the ass thanks to a stealth Full House by Cracker. Alex folded almost constantly, clearly waiting for a good hand to move on, a strategy that eventually bankrolled him a nice stack.

EBOC busted out early, as he had limited funds to work with. Carsten parlayed his birthday stack into a tidy profit and checked out before the crazy games began. Andrew's early run of good luck evaporated, and soon Chris, Alex, Bob & Drake all had sizable stacks before them, while Neil struggled to chase his losses. Cracker's run of good fortune also saw him tumble out before the crazy games began.

As expected, many chips moved around during the initial games of Federation Day, Pregnant Cows & Garbage Day. A particularly vicious round of Montezuma's Revenge saw almost everyone folding anything that wasn't at least a 10-high straight. Neil's leaking of chips continued, and Alex suffered a few losses while Drake and Bob fortified. A last big move by Chris saw him lose his stack to Bob, and after a bold all-in move by Drake in baseball, Bob's three Jacks remained the hand to beat, dealing Drake a massive blow to the tune of $45. Some card cutting dealt with the change, and the night drew to another dramatic close.

Big Winner: Bob, with +$110 or so

Big Loser: Neil to the beat of -$50

Dramatic Moment: Drake going all-in with K-Q-3 suited spades against Bob's showing J-J-3-10-5-2 with threes wild in Baseball. Bob called and Drake failed to hit a K, Q, A/J/10 or 2 spades with his last four undercards, leaving Bob's three Jacks in the clear. Bob had Drake's $45 covered with $0.70 left to spare, making it a near true double up.

Groan Inducing Beat: Neil's $25 all-in nut straight being unceremoniously obliterated by Cracker's rivering of the 2nd shittiest full house you can get.

Quote of the Night: "Wow, I certainly wasn't expecting that." - Neil, after noting that Cracker had matched several large bets with only two low pairs before the aforementioned rivering of his full house.

Honorable Mention: "Jesus, do you guys always play like this?!" - A bewildered Andrew after witnessing three all-in moves within the first five hands of the night.

Carsten Is Older Now Than He Was Yesterday

2006-07-25T17:35:00.000-04:00

While this is true of us all, it is more profound for Carsten, aka Stacks, aka Boo, since today is actually his birthday.

Since he's insane enough to skip poker tonight in order to celebrate his birthday, the H.G.P.A. was good enough to chip in and bake him this wonderful cake:

And by "bake" I of course mean "Google up an image of".

All the best, old man.

(EdNote: Apparently Carsten is 36 now. Madness! And he even showed for poker. Insanity!)

Player Profile: EBOC

2006-07-25T14:15:00.000-04:00

EdNote: This is the first in a series of profiles of our merry band of men. All profiles are penned by the players themselves, with minimal editing for clarity and brevity.

Name: Michael James Brygidyr MacLean (EdNote: "Brygidyr"?!?")
Nickname: EBOC (Eight-Ball Of Crack) ... Of the Shire
Date of Birth: 12/08/1980

Real World Occupation: At present I am tampering with God's divine plan by working in a Bio-tech firm. Prematurely taking embryonic chickens out of their shells, giving them cancer, and then injecting them with anti-cancer drugs to see if they work....might I add, Eat It God! You never thought giving me free will would go so wrong! In your ethereal personification of a face!

Poker Highlights: I don't think I play well enough to have highlights. Perhaps one might be the night where I won the last crazy game of the night. Because of that windfall I was able to buy comics the next day.

Style of Play: Idiotic/Hallucinogenic

Best Poker Attribute: I help build the pot (and bring it ... this poor drug reference is dedicated to Chris, in memory of his misspent youth).

Worst Poker Attribute: Like Steven Colbert I only listen to one thing when I play - my gut. Why? Because your gut's never wrong, even when it is.

Favourite Game: Crazy Pineapple, in memory of the late great Ananas from "Tele Francais".

Least Favourite Game: Stigmata, aka, Don't Shoot Yourself In The Foot

Hand You Always Play: Anything with colours, shapes, and numbers (I once played on a drawing my 8 year old cousin drew of him and me playing football).

Little Known Fact: When I grow up I wanna be a fireman!

News from the Poker World

2006-07-24T15:02:00.000-04:00

Apparently people other than us play poker. Who'd have thunk it?

Chimp Might Not Be Chump in Poker

In a “rumor mill” exercise that sounds remarkably like a viral marketing project, the poker site PokerShare.com is being touted as the first company to enter a chimpanzee in the the august tournaments of the World Series of Poker.

Unlikely as it may seem that WSOP would consider such a distraction (unless it's in on the stunt) the word is that PokerShare intends to enter a chimp called Mikey into the main event at WSOP. Adding to the hype, the animal has apparently been given an intensive course in poker playing over the past few months.

Alex Van Klaveren of GameShare, the Gibraltar-based parent group for PokerShare, responded thus to an InfoPowa enquiry about the rumor:

“Thanks for your e-mail. Your sources are accurate. We have been training Mikey for the past four months, and he is now ready to play the WSOP main event. We will be issuing a press release by the end of the week.”

Van Klaveren did not comment on whether this ploy had the cooperation of the WSOP tournament director, saying in response to a direct question on this: “I agree, it should be interesting to see what people make of it. Mikey has a blog which is starting soon where you will be able to follow his progress.”
--------

I wager 400 quatloos on the newcomer. 300 quatloos says he will hurl feces on the table.

The History Of The H.G.P.A.

2006-07-20T13:24:00.000-04:00

Since Neil seems to have the reporting of current H.G.P.A. events covered, I thought I, as the current association archivist, would take on the responsibility of publishing some information about the long and storied history of the H.G.P.A.

Obviously there are hundreds of important stories and anecdotes in the records, but I guess we should begin at the beginning.

Here are some frequent questions about the early days of the H.G.P.A. with their answers.

1. When was the Association founded?

This is actually a tricky question to answer, because it depends on how you define 'the Association'. While there was no formal Association under the name H.G.P.A. until 1836 when Joseph Howe officially chartered the club (see below), there was certainly a regular gathering of like-minded men for friendly gaming that far pre-dated that. There definite evidence of the club as early as the mid-1820s, and indeed there is a persistent rumour that Howe's purchase of the Novascotian in 1827 was funded with winnings from a particularly successful series of meetings of this informal group. While documentary evidence is lacking, there is anecdotal evidence that suggests the Association can be traced back to a gaming society originally formed by officers onboard the sloop Sphinx in 1749, including Edward Cornwallis himself.

In any case, the formal H.G.P.A. was born in 1836 when Howe, just elected as representative for Halifax country, chartered the association and was responsible (with significant funding from charter members, notably including brewing magnate Alexander Keith, for whom the investment paid off--shortly after formal charter of the club Keith was sudden a director of several major corporations including the Bank of Nova Scotia and the Halifax Fire Insurance Company, all apparently resulting from meetings over cards) for the acquisition of a building on Hollis street to operate as the club's center. Time and time again it has been suggested that Howe took this step in order to make his "friendly gambling" into something more socially acceptable for someone with political ambitions, i.e. membership in an exclusive gentlemen's club where gaming occurred was seen as much more appropriate to his social class than attending back room games in dockside ale houses, but there is no documentary evidence of this.

(Incidentally, the Association continued to operate out of that building until 1862 when a schism within the Association lead to a split, with one faction departing the Hollis street location and keeping the H.G.P.A. name, and the other faction maintaining the location under a slightly shorter name.)

2. I didn't think poker as a game was that old?

That's not really a question, but I'll answer it anyway--the game was certainly known in some variant, even in the early days of the association. While a 20-card variant was apparently popular among sailors and military men in the 1820s, our records only date from the formal founding of the club and they clearly show that the full 52-card deck was in use in 1836. There is also a record of a highly empassioned debate on whether or not to adopt the flush recorded in the minutes of the1843 general meeting (it was finally adopted). Amusingly, the exact details of how to rank the flush in three card poker were not formally worked out until more than 160 years later.

The exact details of the games played before the formal chartering of the club, are lost to history.

3. What's up with the crest?

The HGPA crest was designed for Howe by his political compatriot, lawyer James Uniacke. Uniacke was an important man politically (he later became premiere of Nova Scotia in 1848) who was well known for his love of gambling and sport. Contemporary writers described him thus: “in a heavy-eating, hard-drinking age, [he] made no bones about his intimate friendship with John Berleycorn as he raced his stable of fast horses on the Halifax Commons. He had a great thirst for companionship and conviviality.”

It's also well known that Howe and Uniacke were often loudly at odds in parliament, exchanging scathing rejoinders and debating the question of responsible government. During the early years of the H.G.P.A., the two men were often publicly in great disputes and rivalries, but club records show that despite this they still managed to play civil games of poker with each other, although perhaps taking special joy in those hands where they could best each other particularly. Of course in time the two men were key in forming the reform government, which saw Uniacke made premiere, with Howe functioning as an eminence grise. Association records hint that much of the political manuevering required to make this happen occured over friendly games of cards.

What is less well-known about Uniacke is that he had an abiding interest in heraldry, and thus was the one who supplied Howe with a crest for the newly chartered organization. The crest has been in continuous use since 1836, and is registered with the College of Arms.

The notes on the design of the crest are as follows:

Motto: “Neutiquam erro” is Latin for “I am not lost”. This represents the club members' firm determination to never give up no matter how deep in they are getting, and to constantly assert that they know what they are doing.

St. Andrew’s Cross, or Saltire: This is the blue background with the white cross, and it represents resolution. This ties into the basic club theme of sticking with it, even if you are bleeding money onto the table. The saltire also represents Scotland in these colours, and by extension Nova Scotia.

Wolf: Reward from perseverance in long sieges and/or hard industry. This represents how resolution can bring you back from under by persevering and playing right.

Roundles (Gold or yellow): This is actually a representation of bezants or byzantine coins and indicate someone worthy of trust or treasure. In this case this suggests both the high level of bluffing, and the consistent movement of cash, at club events.

Quatrefoil (Primrose): This is said to represent or brings good tidings. Either meaning is appropriate, either suggesting the ability to represent a good hand, or to wish for news of one.

Lion: Dauntless courage. This refers to what you need to either stone cold bluff a pot, or to follow your instinct into the face of someone who is representing a better hand. Club members pride themselves on their courage, especially in cases where it was expensive.

In addition to a crest, the group also needed a slogan. The story behind the slogan is somewhat amusing. It arose from a veiled insult issued by Charles Tupper (who had, perhaps not incidentally, been denied membership in the H.G.P.A. earlier that year) who referred to "Howe and his pack of reprobates", saying "why the public expects honest service from gamblers I will never understand.". At the next H.G.P.A. meeting this slur was adopted as a mock honour by the assembled members, who voted to make the Association slogan: “We’re as honest as gambling men can be”. (The slogan has since been used in at least one piece of popular music that deals with the subject of gambling.)

Lots more "from the Archives" to come.

Game Report 7/18/06

2006-07-19T21:29:00.000-04:00

Location: The Allan Street Poker Syndicate
Attendance: Neil, Drake, Bob, EBOC, Alex

A small group, but a decicated one indeed. Thank Jesus for air conditioning as well. Quick rounds of Omaha and Hold 'Em saw Neil build a surprising lead thanks to strangely cautious play. EBOC bled money at a ferocious rate, with the philosophy of "I just want to buy in again anyways". Drake had several hot and cold streaks, as he jealously guarded his stacks. It took Bob at least 15 hands before he actually won one, but he played tight and was only in for a 2nd rebuy before the chips began to reel his way. Alex was on the wrong end of some serious hands, including a costly $3 wager to learn that you can only use 2 cards in Omaha. D'oh!

Around the same time that two arks of poutine and an unholy sized chicken pita darkened the doorway of Allan Street, the initial cautious play was out the window and red chips began to trade hands many times over. The pot built to a respectable $120 before the crazy games began around 12:30 a.m. or so.

As usual, the crazy games produced a chaotic effect. Neil lost a sizeable portion of his big stack early on, and Drake's string of luck came to a screeching halt. Bob doubled up a couple of times to bring him close to even again, and EBOC caught fire in the bad sense and crashed and burned totally out of the game. Alex swung his luck 180 degrees and took down some sizable pots before being busted out totally. A neolithic "nnnnrg" grunt from Neil somehow convinced him to rebuy in for the crazy games - an irony, as it was Neil who would land a devastating blow to Alex when he went all in on five 8s in Pregnant Cows only to be felled by Neil's 5 jacks. Several card cuts later and Drake was busted out and Bob was back to $20. A hollow way to end the night, but fun times had by all.

Big Winner: Neil, with $90 profit off a single $10 buy-in

Big Loser: EBOC & Alex, both at -$30 each (I think)

Hilarious Moment: EBOC having to be told by others that Neil had indeed purchased all the cards of a full house during a round of eBay. Weed possibly involved.

Bad Beat: Alex's five 8s getting gobbled up by Neil's five Jacks in Pregnant Cows. Mooo!

Quote of the Night: "Is that another euphemism? Because I've been thinking 'pussy' the whole time." - Drake, remarking on someone's descriptions of someone else's play.

Game Report 7/11/06

2006-07-18T16:37:00.000-04:00

Location: EBOC's Brother-in-Law's Swanky South End Pad
Attendance: Neil, Chris, Drake, Bob, EBOC, Eric, Speedbag

Another sweltering session in the confines of the Webster Terrace PokerDome. Neil's early attempt to play tight torn asunder by desire to leak chips onto table like a mofo. Drake was up early by a large margin, a fact that would haunt him later on. Arrival of Chris later in evening bode ill for all involved, as he quickly became big stack. Speedbag busted out before nightmarish massacre of Crazy Games began. Drake lost his previous winnings as did EBOC, and Eric and Neil both continued into the red while Bob and Chris built sizable stacks.

All was well until Eric's revealing of "Don't Shoot Yourself In the Foot" which is essentially played like Guts with insane variations that make you pay a dollar for three more cards, but you are then locked into the hand. Pot quickly built to a staggering $37.50 or so, only to then increase to a relatively huge $85 or so.

EBOC and Bob actually lost a fair amount of their winnings at that point, sending EBOC to the nearest ATM (actual kind, not Neil) and forcing BOB to play a $55 marker in the middle, which he promptly won back from Chris with a straight to the Ace the very next hand. Tempers flared and thankfully the game ended with Chris reaping a huge pot to add to his already bulging stack of chips.

Big Winner: Chris, with a new record of $185

Big Loser: Neil, to the tune of -$65

Big Moment: Bob's Herculean re-winning of his $85 marker

Bad Beat: Eric's full house sinking to four of a kind, specifics forgotten.

Quote of the Night: "I don't know about you guys, but this seems pretty fucking insane to me." - Drake, commenting on the madness of 'D.S.Y.I.T.F'.

Genesis

2006-07-18T16:08:00.000-04:00

We need a way to document our peaks and valleys, and since drinking and other herbal pastimes play a signifigant role in our weekly games, this seems like the best way to do it.